DON'T LET MAMA READ THESE:
1. What do you call an afghan virgin
-Mever bin laid on
2. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
-One is pale, creepy and scares kids...the other is a friendly ghost
3.Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
4. A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat ugly bitch in my car?"
5.What's the difference between a car tire and 365 condoms?
-One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear
6. What is a lesbian's form of viagra?
- Batteries
7. What do you call an bilemic with a yeast infection?
- A quarter pounder w/ cheese
8. The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born calf.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
9. Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
-To keep his nuts dry
10. What is a virgin on a waterbed called?
-A cherry float.
11. What's the difference between sin and shame?
-It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
12. When having sex, whats the speed limit?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
13. What's the ultimate sexual rejection for a man?
-When he's masturbating and his hand falls asleep.
14. What do you call pickled bread?
-Dill-dough
15. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
-He heard the snowblower coming.
16. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
-Beat it; we're closed.
17. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
18. Why would a male walrus go to a Tupperware party?
-To find a tight seal.
19. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
- $3.99 a minute.
20. Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet?
-
He was looking for Pooh!
21. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
- Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
22. A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
23. What's the definition of a teenager?
-God's punishment for enjoying sex
24. How does a man know if he has a high sperm count?
- If the hooker has to chew, before she swallows.
25. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
- Sexual harassment.
26. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
- $3.99 a minute.
27. What did the elephant say to the male nudist?
- "How do you breathe through that thing?"
28. What is a virgin on a waterbed called?
-A cherry float.
29.
30. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
-To find a tight seal.
31. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
-Beat it; we're closed.
32. What's the difference between sin and shame?
-It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
33. During sex, what's the speed limit?
-68; at 69 you have to turn around.
35. What's a man's ultimate sexual rejection?
-When he's masturbating and his hand falls asleep.
36. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
-She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me, BABY!"
37. What do you call pickled bread?
- Dill-dough
38. When did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
- When he heard the snowblower coming.
39. If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
40. What's the difference between your job and your wife?
-After five years, your job still sucks
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